What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 00:14
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But, we were locked up after school.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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I said to her
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
What toxic behavior has been normalized by society?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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Especially a lifetime of it.
I waited trembling.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She loved him until the end.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I don,t even have a pension.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Comes on , in middle age.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So whats the point in blame.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were not on the streets..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I was 9 years of age.
I was seconnd youngest,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So, i spoilt her more .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My life is so biszare .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Would this be the day?
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was very sick at this time too.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She found it foreign!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did it because my mum asked me too!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My family never makes their pension either.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I have no regrets .
She was in good health!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He knew the spot.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
All the time i was locked up.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When she asked me how she looked .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I will be 64.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Put me off passion for life!!
Im still living with it.
She married twice! .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
What did i know ?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And i lived it daily.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Was to survive, this bastard.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I could never make a relationship work though!
One cannot live in the past .
I was scared of men, in general
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I write beautiful poetry .
Ive learnt so much.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Who then, do I blame.?
She wouldn,t have been !
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But it wasn’t much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is soul school!.
We all went to grammer schools
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I think the readers, may guess!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.